


One Piece Randomness: Book I

by CrystalNavy



Category: One Piece
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, Parody
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2018-10-29
Packaged: 2019-08-02 16:28:32
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16308686
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalNavy/pseuds/CrystalNavy
Summary: Hilarity ensues





	1. Pere-pere-pere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which some of the villains are prank-called.

Akainu was in the courtyard, doing his daily training with new recruits, when the Den-Mushi rang.

Grumbling about being interrupted, Akainu picked it up.

"Hello, Akainu speaking." he spoke into the receiver

"Hello, magma-face." the voice on the other end spoke "This is Eisu."

"Who?"

"Don't tell me you've forgotten, dude?" the voice asked incredulously "The guy whom you personally finished off? Twenty years old at the time of his death? Ex-owner of the Flame-Flame Fruit?"

"Is this some kind of a joke?" Akainu growled to the receiver "Because if it is, I swear......"

"It's no joke, pal." the voice on the other end interrupted "This is me indeed, and I am in the mood for some payback, so I was wondering when you'll be available for a duel to the death......not that I can die, being a ghost and all that. We can make an appointment....."

Akainu hung up and rang the bell.

His secretary came rushing in.

"What do you want, Sir?" she spoke hastily

"Call the exorcist." Akainu ordered "And make it quick."

Akainu had a secret which he hid from public. He was deathly afraid of ghosts.

In the base on Baltigo, Sabo and Koala hung up too.

"Mission: prank call Akainu pretending to be my deceased brother was a roaring success!" Sabo cried out with glee

"It was only possible because you know all about Ace, including his temperament and quirks." Koala pointed out with a smirk

-x-

It was an annual meeting of all the remaining good guys in One Piece. Among them, one of the more prominent was Shanks, who inspired Luffy to seek One Piece. But even more prominent than Shanks was his Captain - Gol D. Roger, the husband of Rouge and the father to Ace - because there would have been no One Piece without him. And right now, Roger was in the mood for some prank calls. He grabbed the nearest Den-Den Mushi and dialed a familiar number.

"Hello."

"Hello." Roger spoke into voice changer "Your name, please?"

"Shiki the Golden Lion."

"Where do you live?"

"Autumn archipelago in Paradise."

"Did you know that your old rival, Gol D. Roger, had a son?"

Roger restrained himself from laughing as Den-Den Mushi's eyes bulged out.

"I.....I didn't know that?"

"You pig-headed swine!" Roger bellowed, still using the voice changer "How could you not be a Godfather as we had planned?! Why, I oughta.....!"

The connection was terminated, and everything was silent for a while.

Then, Roger burst into a fit of laughter.

-x-

It was a pretty nice weather they were having, if Nami could say so herself.

The only problem was that they were bored. All of them were completely and utterly bored.

"How about prank-calling someone?" Robin suggested

Her suggestion was accepted with various roars of approval.

"Now who should we call......?"

Eventually, they all agreed on the target: the worst man who ever existed on the Grand Line. Someone who made everyone tremble with his very presence.

They dialed a number.

"Hello?"

"What you have done is unforgivable!" Luffy shrieked "He was right there! Why didn't you save him?!"

".......What?"

"Don't play dumb, Smokey-Bear." Nami spoke into the receiver sweetly "Everyone who pays attention to yellow pages knows of the secret relationship between you and Portgas D. Ace. If you couldn't even save your own boyfriend, what good are you to the society as a whole?"

"Why would a prisoner set to be executed ever be my boyfriend? Even if I were gay - which I'm not - I like to think I'd be smart enough to choose someone better than him." Smoker deadpanned "And more importantly, why would I ever try to save a condemned prisoner?"

"Awww, you're no fun, Smokey-bear." Nami teased "Well, since you said you aren't gay, then how come you have no hots for that poor girl who always follows you around, trying desperately to gain your attention?"

"......."

The Den-Den Mushi rolled its eyes, and the connection was terminated.

"Well, that was fun!" Nami exclaimed brightly


	2. The Final Villain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final villain in One Piece

Luffy picked himself up. All around him, his nakama lay dead, along with Sabo. Akainu Sakazuki, Marshall D. Teach and their respective men were dead as well. Marines and pirates alike lay dead all around. Some of them were Luffy's allies, and some of them were not. A figure wearing a dark cloak passed through the gap in the mountain of corpses. A figure which Luffy recognized.

"What did you do all this for?" Luffy demanded 

The figure turned towards him, a small smile dancing upon their face.

"All three of you are responsible for the death of my nakama." the figure said "So I killed all of yours. I believe it's a fair trade, wouldn't you say?"

Luffy said nothing as the figure clasped their hands together.

"Now for the next phase of the plan." the figure whistled 

Speed, one of the Calamities previously affiliated with Kaido, appeared, seemingly out of nowhere.

"Now, Speed, kill Strawhat Luffy so that I could use his remains along with Sabo's Mera Mera no Mi to resurrect my nakama." the figure ordered

"You think he'll be happy about what you did?"

"Whether he is happy or not in this world doesn't matter. The two of us are moving to another world, a world where he'll never meet anyone who contributed to his death. That includes you and Sabo. Don't worry, I'll make him happy, happier than he's ever been." the figure said calmly "Goodbye, Strawhat Luffy."

Speed attacked, and Luffy found his consciousness slipping, until he knew no more.

The figure removed their disguise, revealing themselves to be O-Tama. She knelt beside Luffy, giving his dead body a peck on the cheek, before taking his trademark straw hat along.

It was time to revive Portgas D. Ace.


	3. The Shitty Family Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time for monthly meet-up of Shitty Family Club.

"For the last time." Katakuri rolled his eyes "You are ineligible."

Monkey D. Luffy protested, as did many other characters

"But why?" Luffy demanded

"Because none of you have families that could reasonably be classified as 'shitty'." Sanji pointed out

"Unlike us." Sabo hastily added, pointing at himself, Ace, Sanji and six Charlotte siblings

"And for the record, Arlong Pirates don't count as 'family' in any sense of the word." Pudding snarked at her romantic rival

"Now if you'd excuse us." Katakuri said "We have a meeting to attend."

With that, they entered an adjacent room, shutting the door behind themselves.

-x-

"So." Sanji began "What is the shittiest thing your shitty families did to you?"

"Mother viewed me as a disgrace." Pudding wailed "She never loved me, unlike a certain someone."

Hearts and shoujo sparkles appeared in Pudding's eyes - all three of them - as she looked at Sanji.

"There was this operation she performed on me, wanting to 'fix' my ugly jaw." Katakuri grumbled "It's impossible to fix a jaw anyway......"

"Not quite. I know quite a few orthopedic surgeons who are quite talented, despite being Okama." Sanji said "I can get you in touch with some of them."

"How about holding you hostage because your husband pissed her off?" Chiffon played with her hair

"Or aiming to kill you outright?" Lola was trimming her nails

"How about when I was attacked with a knife and they did nothing to stop it?" Sabo quipped "Or when they locked me up in the house with armed guards to make sure I won't escape?"

"They did something similar with me." Sanji inhaled and exhaled "Only they put an iron mask over my face and threw me out of existence as far as they were concerned."

"I was condemned to die because of the blood and the legacy I inherited from my parents." Ace drawled lazily "And they died and left me to bear all of it on my own. I was lucky I had the two of you."

He looked Sabo straight in the eyes as he spoke.

-x-

"This isn't fair." Luffy pouted

"For once, I agree with you." Law said

"Me too!" Nami exclaimed

Everyone else who was left outside agreed wholeheartedly

"Let's show those show-offs what we're all about, and start a 'Tragic Past Club', zehahahahaha!" Marshall D. 'Blackbeard' Teach suggested

"That's not a half bad idea." Luffy nodded 

"Even the villains get good ideas some of the time." Nami mused "Though Robin would win that."

"Nonsense." Luffy dismissed "Traffy's past was far more tragic."

"You're only saying that because he's your boyfriend." Fisher Tiger deadpanned "Koala would be the clear winner of such a contest."

"And you're a bit biased because she is the closest thing you have to a daughter." Nami pointed an accusing finger at the 'Hero of the Slaves'.

"You don't mind me giving my honest opinion, right?" Stelly wandered past "I know you have no reason to listen to me, but in my humble opinion, the only real winner of such contest would be my brother's brother."

Everyone in the room looked at Stelly murderously

"I am right, and you know it." Stelly looked at them smugly "The marines tried to kill him when he was still in utero. He had to listen to people badmouth him and his family and despise his very existence, to the point he started to believe him and began to despise himself."

Then he ran away before a mob could torch him.

Eventually, though, they realized that he was indeed right.

This didn't stop them from starting their own club, as planned.

And by the end of the year, Portgas D. Ace received both 'the shittiest family award' and 'the most tragic past' award.


End file.
